70 year-old Dorothy “Dotty” Peabody recently discovered that new gun-control laws will confiscate her deceased husband’s service revolver and allow her the long-awaited opportunity to protect her home using only her Kung-Fu skills.
“Oh, isn’t it lovely, dear? Now if thugs break into my home to harm me and to steal my belongings, I’ll let them try a little Drunken-Monkey Style,” she said eagerly demonstrating a powerful flourish of rapid, liver-spotted hand-thrusts.
The 108 lb. brittle-boned elder was beside herself with glee, “Looks like all those years training in the Shaolin monastery are finally gonna pay off,” she continued, “I hope to make Master Wo-Pan proud.”
Dotty enthusiastically executed a front-kick that shattered the side of her curios cabinet and gushed, “I just want to give a huge THANK you to all those people who worked tirelessly to ensure the weakest, most vulnerable sectors of the population would be unable to deter predators with a gun or to protect themselves if attacked. Self-defense is NOT a basic human right, it’s a privilege bestowed and regulated by our rulers.”
“Earlier the Crips used to just steal things from my backyard, but now they know for certain I’m alone and unarmed,” as she crouched down to pick up her scattered souvenir spoons, “I’m so amped. Shit’s about to get real.”