PRESS RELEASE: Our Stores Are Now Bursting With 100% Unarmed, Delicious Juicy “Victim-Rich Zones”!!!

excited-man It is our pleasure to announce that all of our locations nation-wide are now “Victim-Rich Zones” providing entire store-fulls of succulent, tasty gun-free victims!!! Yaaaayyy!!!

Each hip, new awesome “Victim-Rich Zone” is chock-full of savory, melt-in-your-mouth defenseless prey for anyone to enjoy!! Full-flavored, zesty shopping areas crammed with yummy, tender, unarmed customers are mmmm-mmmmm gooooood!!!

But, heeeeeey, these aren’t just standard, yucky, old-fashioned “no-gun” zones where we simply deny you the basic human-right to protect you and your loved ones. 😦 (FART-NOISE) BOOORING!!! 

No way, this is TOTALLY different!!! 🙂

We’re carefully using the home-style, half-baked wisdom and logic that creates scrumptious, full-bodied “Victim-Rich Zones” the world over for you and your family right here in your town’s totally vulnerable shopping-complex!! (TRUMPET TOOT)

Oh, sure we could deter criminals by having at least the unspoken possibility of armed customers to stop them, except WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE YOUR SAFETY AND SECURITY IN MIND!!! This is TOTALLY a political public-relations thing for us. Sorry if you die because of it!! :):) 🙂 Woopsie! (CLOWN-NOSE HONK!-HONK!)

“Victim-Rich Zones” 4-EVAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(*When this policy inevitably goes awry, we hope you won’t sue us for deliberately, consciously, and unequivocally creating the imbalance of power and circumstances that attract and encourage psychopaths bent on violence and criminal behavior. (SHOW EMPTY PANTS-POCKETS, FROWNY-FACE, SAD TROMBONE NOISE)



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