‘Everytown For Gun Safety’ spokesman says, “The complete, catastrophic failure of Chicago’s Gun-control experiment probably due to Elf-Magic.”


WonderDonkey: Now, despite having the STRICTEST gun-control laws in the United States, Chicago has the HIGHEST rate of ‘gun-violence’.

Everytown: That is a fact.

WD: How surprising. One would think it would have the…LOWEST rate…but, you say this utter disaster is likely because of…

Everytown: Elf-Magic!!!

WD: That doesn’t sound logical.

Everytown: Nope. “Everytown For Gun Safety” HAAAAATES logic! Mr. Michael Bloomberg, the multi-billionaire master of our “grass-roots” group, says logic just gets in the way of frantic, ineffective, emotionally-based legislation.

WD: Right.

Everytown: Logical, reasoning people know gun-control is utterly useless and counter-productive, but we here at “Everytown” like to pretend it works.

WD: O.K.

Everytown: It’s probably just pesky Elves jamming things up! Like this one.


WD: I see.

Everytown: Or this one…


Everytown: Ha! Ha! Just kidding! That’s actually my lovely 6 year-old daughter, Cristie. She’s entirely shit-out-of-luck if she ever gets attacked while I’m supposed to be protecting her.

WD: Yes she is. Uh, so, Elf Magic…REALLY?

Everytown: Well someone could say gun-control is failing because criminals are unaffected by background checks, unaffected by waiting periods, unaffected by licensing fees, unaffected by ammunition limitations, unaffected by registration requirements, and unaffected by smaller capacity magazines. Y’know, because they’re CRIMINALS and they don’t obey laws when they’re out robbing, raping, or murdering people.

And they could accurately say violent psychopaths are actually ATTRACTED to “gun-free’ zones.

Also, they could say that the ONE and ONLY definite effect of gun-control is to make it harder for people who actually follow laws to defend themselves. And with more people defenseless it really ENCOURAGES bad-guys to perpetrate violence…but none of those rational facts are the reason…

WD: Elf Magic.

Everytown: Elf Magic!!! I mean look how well gun-control is working out in Mexico! They only have one gun-store in their ENTIRE COUNTRY…

WD: But don’t their rigid gun-control laws leave their decent citizens largely unarmed and defenseless in the face of a corrupt government and well-armed, ruthless drug cartels? A lot of Mexico has so much brutal violence and savage killing they make Chicago look like a yoga retreat.

Everytown: Oh we’ll catch them. Give U.S. gun-control some time.

WD: But even in Mexico it’s not because gun-control doesn’t work it’s…

Everytown: Elf M…uh, Elfo-magico!!!


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