To Avoid Being A Huge-Ass Hypocrite, U.S. President Makes White House “Gun-Free” Zone

Today the President, who is definitely not the biggest hypocrite who ever walked the face of the earth, declared he was making the White House a “gun-free zone” effective immediately . “It’s such an amazingly great idea for the American people to be gun-free, defenseless victims in public establishments and in their homes, I guess the least I can do is lead by example“ said the President who clearly no longer lives by a double-standard.

“Therefore, all Secret Service, military personnel and those individuals previously entrusted to protect myself and my family with firearms, will now be required to just get rid of them. This will make the White House 100% gun-free and everyone will be safer. And it definitely won’t encourage maniacs who now know we can’t defend ourselves,” said the man who is absolutely “walking his talk” and not lying right to your face while trying to sell you some total bullshit that makes you and your loved ones more vulnerable.

A White House spokesman offered, “The President made this bold, historic change to avoid being a complete and utter “do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do” phony on this issue. His concern was that he might appear to be a smug, sanctimonious fraud about this policy he’s been feverishly spouting.” He continued, “I think critics will now have to acknowledge that he’s not a big, disingenuous liar who simply wants to govern unarmed citizens and that he doesn’t actually have the people’s best interests at heart. Because he totally, totally, TOOOOOOTALLY does.”

At a ceremony today, the utterly straight-forward and not two-faced President scotch-taped a “No Guns Allowed” sign by the White House front door. After this action which magically guarantees the safety of all those inside, he then addressed the nation saying, “I know in my heart that this is not an insane, illogical idea which will just encourage people who wish to do me and my family harm.” He continued, “Actively choosing to make ourselves defenseless and then advertising that fact isn’t foolish and asinine. Far from it. It’s a great idea and the American people should do it too.”

He added, “ ‘Gun-free zones’ are definitely working out great for our nation’s schools.”

“If I did not make this change,” the President continued, “it would demonstrate that I’m a complete bullshit-peddling hypocrite, that it’s a dangerous, stupid idea and that my family’s lives are worth defending, but yours are not. And I would never, ever say that. Directly. With my words.”




Tagged , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: