Unofficially changing billionaire Michael Bloomberg’s “grass-roots” organization’s name to, “EveryTownperson We Can Rob Safely”, local meth-heads said they were excited how the Facebook groups’ openly unarmed members would increase robbery safety in their town.
“It’s a list of townspeople that don’t have a gun to defend themselves. And they TELL people about it,” gleefully explained meth-enthusiast Dennis Hutchlee. “They’re the best people to rob safely.”
Town meth-devotee Tyler Aingston expressed how this group will change his life. “Yeah, I used to be so nervous about being shot while robbing people’s homes that I actually got a J-O-B and worked to support my meth habit. Not anymore. Thanks, Michael Bloomberg!”
Mr. Hutchlee agreed that positive changes were afoot for his meth finances as well. “Yeah, see I used to wait until people left home to steal their stuff. I didn’t want to take a chance that they might have a gun. But with the people in this group, my friends and I can break into their home WHILE they’re still home, put a knife to their loved one’s throat and they’ll tell us where the really valuable, hidden stuff is…SAFELY.”
Meth-addict Tyler demonstrated the victim-search process by clicking on an “Everytown” member’s picture,“See this guy, Dave? He lives in my town, like two blocks away on Evergreen Terrace. I never would have known this guy didn’t have a gun to defend himself. Now I do.”
Local meth-heads said so far, this Facebook group is their new favorite thing on the internet. “One time I found a pretty great Thai restaurant on Yelp!, but finding a large list of unarmed victims to rob for meth-money is way, WAY better.”
“The best part is, they’re trying to make it so EVERYONE would be unarmed and safe to rob with like some laws or whatever.” Dennis said while picking his face. “Honestly, I think that would help us out a lot, y’know ‘safety-wise’”.